Pity Party, Part 2
24 October 2002

(part one, over here.)

Then some of you have more money than others, also known as "We Brake for Drysol!":

THE ONES WITH MEDICAL BENEFITS:

The easiest way is to bag deodorant altogether. I know that sounds nasty, but let me explain. I used to have similar problems (sweating, only one super deodorant seems to work, not the putting it on like a lady part). Anyhow, I was at the doctor one day for bronchitis (fun!) and I mentioned this to him. He said he'd write me a prescription for an antiperspirant that you put on at night. Granted, it was sort of embarrassing to pick up at the drug store, but it was only $10, it lasted for a year, and after a few weeks of regular use, I only had to use it once in a blue moon and now I can wear whatever deodorant I want (one that smells good).

Anyway, I know it's kind of a hassle, but it's been great. I don't have to worry about this issue at all anymore, and I'm never stuck in a meeting with embarrassing sweat stains (even if it's hot). So, that's my advice, and I'm so glad I got to share a somewhat embarrassing fact about myself to give it to you. Oh, and by the way, I didn't think you were idiotic on the news program, and you and Sars both looked nice.

Here's the secret weapon. It's called Drysol. It's the miracle amazing no sweat concoction of the gods. You put it on at night when you go to bed. You wake up the next day and no sweat. No need for all the super cakey weird white ruin your clothes anti-perspirant. No sweat all day. Amazing.

Also, I find drysol very helpful. You put it on overnight and then you can go without normal deodorant (or one of those clear ones that's more deodorant than anti-perspirant).

I'll put in my two cents anyway while at the same time revealing my own dirty little secret: I am the worst sweater (producer of sweat?) ever. Seriously. Like an Atlanta whore in the summertime.

UNTIL I started using this nifty little stuff called "Drysol". I got it from my dermatologist and I'm not sure if you can get it without a perscription but let me tell you, that stuff works! I used some under my arms and then went to the gym--I was dripping everywhere else but my armpits were as dry as a bone. I was so amazed I almost asked the woman on the treadmill next to me to feel how dry I was (fortunately I realized last second that isn't the best way to go about promoting a product).

So, yes. Drysol. It works. Upside: you only have to use it once a week. Seriously. Downside: it stings like a bitch when you first put it on. (Hey, everything's got a price, right?) Hope that helps!

I was upset enough to go to my doctor, who prescribed Drysol for me, and I gave it a try. I applied the Drysol that night and in the morning, voila, I was dry as the Sahara. You only need to use the product about once every ten days, or on an as need basis - like, right before a big interview. My brother used it for his wedding, and he is hooked. It is also very affordable. I think it is ten bucks for a bottle that lasts several months.

How come all of the "good" deodorants also hurt like a bitch?

Some of you have turned this into a ritual --

THE OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE TYPES:

It's simple, really:

Put on your deodorant. Before you put on your shirt, you roll up your shirt (rolling inwards out) halfway. Then you put on your shirt. Then you roll the rest of your shirt down, confident that any deodorant streaks are caught on the fabric that's on the inside, not the outside.

Really, you should have come to me with this sooner.

Take the bottom hem of your shirt and fold it about half of the way up the shirt. The hem of the shirt will be right below your breasts. The shirt will be about half-way inside out. Then put it on. Any deodorant will only hit the inside of the shirt rather than the outside.

Or you can put the deodorant on and put your shirt on while it's in the 'pre-folded' position to prevent dragging the outside of the shirt over the deodorant.

Does that make sense? It's hard to explain in words. Much easier to demonstrate in person. Sorry if this just makes it more confusing!

Lay the shirt you plan to wear on the bed, and fold up the bottom so it's kind of inside out for about 6 inches. Pick it up from the folded edge and put it on. Voila! It actually works. No shit.

But if you're most concerned with just the white marks on your clothes, the thing that works the best is a lint brush. Put your clothes and deodorant on whichever way you fancy, and then just brush away the marks with the brush. But not that sticky type; it can only be the kind with the really short, stiff (but still a little soft) fibres that feel a little like profuse synthetic stubble. You can get the bigass kind that are ajustable for either left- or right-handed people, or the tiny kind that you can keep in your purse (these are good for when you might not end up sleeping at your own place. Ahem). And with a few strokes, the brush'll take the marks off ANY fabric, I swear. AND you'll be lint-free. I swear I'm not a lint-brush salesperson.

Practice with a t-shirt. Turn it inside out and lay it out on the bed, with the collar end facing you. Got it? Lay it so that it is front-down, tag-up. Now. Wait. Apply deodorant, and then continue. Pick up the shirt by the collar end, and stick your head in it. Yes, stick the head. Now reverse the "skin the cat" shirt removal technique your mother used to use on you when you were a toddler, and put the shirt the rest of the way on, turning it right side out.

There you go. You're done. Any deodorant marks are safely on the inside of the shirt and are few to begin with, because there was no sliding or skidding or slithering into it. And with minimal stretching.

I think I'm gonna need a diagram that I tack onto my wall to get it right. What if I hit myself in the face with the lint brush?

And everyone's got some magic move.

THE ROLLERS:

Roll your shirt up from the bottom hem to the sleeves before you put it on. Then, once it's over your head and your arms are in the sleeves, unroll it. Any deodorant smears end up on the inside.

Roll the shirt up from the bottom, to sleeve level. Keep it rolled up while you pull on the shirt over your head. Get it to about boob level, and then unroll. Just make sure you're past your pits when you unroll. That way, the stripes may get on your shirt, but they'll get on the inside, where it doesn't matter. And if you do get deodorant on the shirt, don't fret. Shout wipes usually gets it off pretty quickly. Just take a hair dryer to the spot the wipes leave.

Love your column. I too, have the same wannabe streak free underarm issues and this is what I have found. Put your deodorant on before getting dressed. Then roll the bottom of your shirt up to the sleeves as if you were rolling down a paper bag to drink a beer. What you're left with is a neck, sleeves and a donut roll. Now when you put your shirt on, any deodorant, whether put on 2 minutes ago or 20 minutes ago, will come off on the inside of your shirt. Then just roll down the rest of your shirt. Streak free!

Okay, so today I did The Roll. And let me tell you the problems with "The Roll."

First of all, it takes time. I'm standing there, holding the shirt in my mouth by the collar, rolling up the bottom of the shirt like some kind of dough, and the cat's getting worried that I'm about to put the shirt on his head. Then I put the shirt on, but I still have to unroll the shirt, and guess what? The rolls are at my underarms.

Then I, of course, didn't like the first three shirts I put on, and this rolling really cuts down on my patented "Fling and Pick" move where I'm tossing one shirt over my head while selecting another. I was giving every shirt an additional fifteen seconds of thought, because I didn't want to roll up a shirt only to change my mind halfway through the roll. It's clumsy and awkward to roll up the fabric and then flip it over my head. Maybe it just takes more practice. I don't know.

Next time I'm trying:

THE FOLDERS:

Fold up the bottom about 4-6 inches -- that should catch most of the streaks. But it doesn't catch them all (it's mostly us well-appointed types who have this problem), so buy a good lint brush with really stiff bristles. It won't do shit for cat hair but it's the only thing that works on deodorant streaks.

As for your deodorant on your shirt, try folding your shirt bottm up so it's sort of half way inside out. That way when you pull the body of the shirt over your head, the outside is protected, then you just fold it down after it's over your boobs.

I'm starting to think you guys wrote in just to talk about my boobs.

Before I pull the shirt over my head, I fold up the bottom half of the shirt over the exterior of the shirt. So, when I pull it over my head, it's the folded over inside part of the shirt that rubs against my armpits. When you flip down the bottom half of the shirt, the deodorant that rubbed off will then be on the inside of the shirt. Can you picture this? It might be a little hard to imagine, but it works!

I also of the large-breasted club recommend that you fold the shirt up when you put it on. You flip the bottom up so that when you shimmy into your shirt only the inside of the shirt is getting touched. Then you delicately fold it back down into its proper place. As for sweating through the shirt? I have no idea. I've never had that happen with deodorant.

I find that if I fold up the bottom half of the top then put it on, (and pull it back down), any residue that might have gotten on the outside of my shirt, will get on the inside instead! (I'm not too sure how clear that was....)

My mom taught me the method I use to this day (although putting it on before you even brush your teeth in the morning and then putting your shirt on last helps some). Fold up the bottom of your shirt so the inside is outside, and the hem doesn't quite reach the arm holes. Don't fold it up too high because then you'll just get white marks on the hem. Then put on the shirt and fold the bottom half down. Voila!

I realize that might not make any sense, but it works for me. I have white lines all over the insides of my shirts, but not on the outsides. I wish I could draw a little diagram, but, well, I'm not adept with the ASCII art. Nor do I have a scanner.

I think I might be able to handle the folding. The rolling gets out of control, since I'm rolling a tube into a donut. Coincidentally Rolling a Tube Into a Donut is the name of my first jazz fusion album.

THE OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE NUDISTS:

I have to admit, Pamie, that I put deodorant on and walk around in a bra. I'm big-busted, for what it's worth. The routine tends to be:
Shower (cleanse face), get out, dry, put on moisturizer
Put on underwear
Put on deodorant
By this time the moisturizer has soaked in, so I put on all clothes except a shirt.
Take coffee back into bathroom and do makeup - all except powder
By this time the deodorant has dried, so I pull shirt over head. Put powder on face, leaning forward to avoid shaking all over shirt (which I am totally capable of doing otherwise)
Brush hair.

It works even better with button-up clothes that you don't have to pull over your head. Less safe-guarding needed.

Anyway, here's what I do... Apply deodorant. Give it some time to soak in a little. Brush your teeth or apply mascara or something. Before putting your T shirt on, fold the bottom half up on the outside of the shirt. Does that make sense? I mean, bring the hem of the shirt up to boob level, being careful not to have the hem go over the arm openings. *Carefully* put on your shirt, then pull the hem back down into place. That way, if deodorant gets on the shirt it gets on the inside and none can see it when you pull it back down. Works for me.

I know she added that "*carefully!*" because I'm such a klutz.

THE CONTORTIONISTS:

when I'm really in a rush and can't wait in the tank top, I put on my top just around my neck and leave it hanging down my back, apply the deodorant, and then sneak my arms into it very carefully. Which really only works with stretchy things that will snug back down, but if you really wriggle, like when you're taking off an underneath layer while keeping an outer layer on? a little less stretch.

Here's what I do: apply deodorant as normal. Put your head through the neck hole first, then shrug shirt over your shoulders, with your arms clamped down. Gingerly take the hem of your shirt, yank down past armpit area, wrestle arms into sleeves. The main thing is to move very slowly, because that deodorant on your pits is like a frigging shirt magnet. Plan on wearing loose t-shirts for the rest of your life. Or button downs.

Personally, I give up. I either wind up with deodorant stripes anyways, or I tear the sleeves off with this method.

Have you ever tried lowering the deodorant DOWN your shirt and applying it? Instead of coming up from the bottom?

I'm pretty sure that one will ruin every collar of every t-shirt I'll ever own. I already get enough cleavage shots out of my v-necks.

So, after reading your last entry, I started contemplating how, for the past few months, I have largely avoided the evil deodorant stains. I think it comes down to upper-body contortion. I put my arms all the way through their holes first, then, holding onto the sides of the shirt (I bunch the shirt up a bit so there is no chance of pit contact with any part of the sides of the shirt) I pull it over my head and then down. The brests usually get in the way -- they act as a shelf so the shirt is usually most of the way down in the back and not down very far (if at all) in the front. Then I pull the shirt down in front. I haven't had many noticable stains in a while now, and I do wear black frequently. The tighter the shirt, the more contortion is involved, but perhaps this will help you a bit.

Yeah, I had that problem too, I find what works best is to put the deodorant on directly after getting out of the shower, let it dry while doing my hair and put my shirt on last. Failing that, I put it on after I put my shirt on but I go through the sleeves rather than the bottom of the shirt, of course that only works with short sleeves.

It also helps if you're missing joints in your elbows. Isn't that hard to cram the deodorant bottle in there?

you could put the shirt thru your head, wear it like a necklace first, apply deodorant, then put your arms thru the other holes. hmn. what do you think?

Again, I think some of you are just trying to see how far I'll go.

REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY:

Put the deodorant on after you put on the shirt. I admit, you're going to stretch the shirt out if you do this. But, while the odds are that you could still mark up the shirt with deodorant, the odds are better that you'll do it on the inside of the shirt.

My latest thing is to put on the deodorant when I first go in the bathroom to brush my teeth. I am still wearing my sleeping clothes. That way, by the time I am ready to get dressed, the deodorant (which is supposed to be clear, but isn't) has soaked in and stays off my clothes.

And these are my favorite. Since we're already talking about a personal situation, it's only natural that we'll come across some serious TMI.

TOO MUCH INFORMATION:

I've never had any kind of luck w/ the "sheer" stuff. Either it's not really sheer, or it doesn't work worth a crap. I have the body chemistry of a 45 year old chain-smoking appliance repairman (aren't you glad I emailed you?).

On deodorant, I have this THING about what I call "deodorant chunks." Yuck. Any deodorant residue whatsoever grosses me out completely. My boyfriend sometimes uses this stuff that leaves big chunks in his very long armpit hair and he thinks we're going to hop into bed and I'm going to cuddle up under his arm with chunks in my face and I'm standing there looking at the chunks peeking out from his underarms with what must be a look of absolute horror on my face because he always says, "Oh..chunks?" Heh.

Currently I'm using Dove Invisible solid, and I like it, but halfway through the day I start smelling the funk. It's like it just stops working. I have a suspicion that the deodorant is rubbing off, but it would be inconvenient to have to do a reapplication in the middle of the day. I'd like to know what all the cool pamie.com readers are wearing on their pits.

I also get pit stains. I sweat like a son of a bitch, and every white shirt I have has yellow armpits, because my sweat is toxic. I once knew a person, a fellow musician like myself, who had the same problem, but with her spit. She was a clarinetist, and went through a reed every time she played for longer than two hours, while the rest of us could make one last for at least a week. It happens, bodily fluids are different for everyone. That's why we all have different blood types.

I also use secret platinum since I am a hairy, sweaty fool of a woman. although most of the time I just use herbal stuff or go without since I am also a hippie fool, but when I have to, only secret platinum works.

what happened to you also happened to me at a wedding (!) a few months ago on a nice black linen dress (!!), so I feel your pain. what I do is put on the deoderant (only 2-3 clicks, btw, more than that won't dry) 10 minutes (not 5, 10!) before I put on my clothes. so I do that and then brush my teeth or do my hair or whatever and then the deoderant is dry by the time I put on my top.

I opt for the "apply thin layer, wait 5 minutes, then pull shirt on" strategy. I used to apply waaay too much, and I got it everywhere, and it never fully dried enough to pull a shirt on w/out making a mess. So, maybe you're applying too much? I reduced my normal amount by more than half, and there were no complaints from friends or co-workers. And Austin (as you know) gets pretty sweaty in August. Or... if you're not diametrically opposed to aerosols, they usually dry faster than other types, allowing you to pull a shirt on w/out messing it up.

I also use Secret Platinum and I have a set of DD's, so we've got the same factors in play here in the equation. Unfortunately, I don't have all that big a problem with stains and stretching. I don't really mind stretching that much, though, which is why my two alternatives probably won't work for you. But why not write, really?

you are so not alone. I have also felt, many times, like a big disgusting sweaty dork because I have a similar lack of ability to keep the smearing from happening all over my shirts. And I'm guessing it's not your chest, cause I'm a little 36A.

the only 2 tricks that I've had some success with are --a) keeping an old tank top around that I only wear while waiting for deodourant to dry -- that way I dry faster, I'm wearing something (as opposed to giving the neighbours a show), but I don't care about getting the top dirty (like period pants; they live in the same drawer).

I still cannot understand why such a tiny little woman like me can sweat as much as a 300-lb football player, especially when the other women in my family don't sweat. Life is simply not fair.

I was the victim of a very embarrassing sweat through situation a few years ago. We'll just say that at the end of the night I had balls of that newspaper-like public bathroom paper towel stuffed under my arms.

PROOF THAT MOMS HATE ME:

Just a quick note to let you know that you aren't the only one out there with deodorant issues. I asked my hubby, my mom, my pets, and nobody had a solution for me either. My mom was baffled about the issue -- she couldn't believe that a person could have such a hard time getting dressed -- and, when pressed, said the solution may be breast reduction or much larger shirts. I'm not huge, but a D cup fits comfortably, so I guess that's above average and definitely out of pretty/sexy bra territory. I like wearing clothes that fit, however, because the baggy look tends to make us busty people just look fat. I'm not talking skin-tight-street-walker-wear here, just clothes that fit.

And finally, file this under:

"Um..."

You need to get Botox injections in your pits to stop the sweating and eliminate the need for deodorant. Very simple.

WAIT. HOLY CRAP. THAT WASN'T A JOKE?

I also use the Secret Platinum Aluminum Death, but I recently got married and the dress was sleeveless and I knew I'd be sweating buckets and I wanted something different. I saw an article in some horrible woman's magazine about a woman who'd gotten Botox injections in her underarms and how fabulous it was blah blah blah and I said, what the hell, and gave it a try.

Anyway, it's really worked--I don't wear anti-perspirant anymore (though I do wear deodorant still--one without anti-perspirant in it) and I can finally wear all those shirts that have been hanging in my closet that I never wore because I sweat through them all.

The doctor who did my injections has some more info on his web site:

Anyway. Now the bad news, which is that it's really fucking expensive, and is not currently paid for by most insurance companies. But it's been going through more FDA trials recently, so maybe someday it'll be affordable. Maybe you could swing a deal with some doctor's office and tell them you'll mention them to your audience of thousands.

And no, I am in no way affliated with the doctor I mentioned, or producers of Botox, etc etc.. just wanted to share a solution from a fellow sufferer.

WHAT? NO! REALLY?

Or just Botox your pit sweat glands. You're in LA, it's suddenly an option.

Oh, man. Can't I just roll a tube into a donut? Fold an outer edge? Try the overnight stick sensation? Maybe I should work out less, or keep to meetings where I know everything that's going to happen. Maybe I should stay out of sunlight and keep from laughing too hard. Botox my pits? Jesus Pete, it's hard to be a girl.