Pity Party
24 October 2002

Originally I was going to just try all of the different suggestions you sent in for my armpit problem. I wanted to write back to each and every one of you and let you know how grateful I was that you wanted to help and to let you know how it went.

Well. That was before close to one hundred of you wrote in to explain how you've approached your pit dilemma. Now I'm just going to have to address all of you here by showing you a bit of my mail bag.

As we start reading letter after letter, you might notice that it appears it's only women who have this deodorant-streaking problem. It can't just be fancy tight-fitting clothes, as I know some of you fancier men read and none of you knew what the hell I was talking about. I'm really thinking it has something to do with boobs, and the deodorant made for women.

First--

THE COMMISERATORS:

I wish I could help you but I am still basically at a loss...

Your journal entry today really cracked me up because I have the exact same problem. I've always blamed it on being obscenely large-chested (which I suppose I can then blame on bad genetics, blahblahblah) but maybe it's just me being incompetent. I agree with you that the makers of "clear" deodorants lie to you. They still leave marks. Anyway, if you come up with a solution, please publish it so that I no longer am Ms. Sweaty StripeyShirts.

Like those books we had when we were kids, "Little Miss Bossy." If they'd had Ms. Sweaty StripeyShirts, we wouldn't be in this situation, now would we?

Ohhhh man. See, I have no advice. Well, one bit of advice -- a damp washcloth scrubbed on the whiteness IMMEDIATELY will sometimes get it off, depending on the fabric and the deoderant...

Won't that just create a wet spot on my clothes, and when I'm wearing wool or something, aren't I just making it worse at this point?

...However, I was going to say, if anyone tells you anything useful, can you pass it on?? Because I have the same problem. I'm a little better than I used to be about not getting it on the shirt, but I'm small boobed...

Well, there goes that theory.

...however, I STILL sweat thru any and everything. I live in strappy tanks because those are the only things that don't get nasty sweat circles under my arms. I hate winter b/c I'm a little southern flower and if I don't dress for it, I freeze, but I live in the south where they overheat all the buildings, so then I go inside and I get my sweater all sweaty, and it's just all around gross.

So, yeah, if anyone tells you anything insightful, can you pass it on? :)

Some aren't so much commiserating, but just commenting...

I can't imagine you, the Head Princess, asking this stuff. Didn't you write whole entries on "girl stuff"? Didn't you teach us how to put on our bras and wipe our butts?

I know. I'm ashamed of myself. Sorry. Now back to the advice.

Pamie, you're not the only one. I don't even have big boobs to stretch my shirt over, and I still get them. I don't know how it happens. The only thing I've found that works is to inspect myself after I put my shirt on and wipe all offending marks off with a damp washcloth. I've heard that if you take the fabric that has the white mark on it and rub it against itself (white mark to white mark, if that makes sense) that it'll go away. That never works for me. During the summer I also end up with flakes of deodorant on my clothes if I'm wearing a sleeveless shirt. Sigh. If you find a better solution, please do share.

At least we don't stink,

That I'd actually heard before, rubbing the shirt against itself to remove the deodorant. Let me tell you, that only works once the shirt is dry. I tried when it was still wet, and I ended up just smearing deodorant everywhere.

You know what else I'm learning? How to spell the word "deodorant."

You know, I think you've written about your deodorant dilemma before. Why do I remember that?

I think that really goes under "Criticism," but I'm just piling them all in here together.

Deodorant marks are pretty much unavoidable, as far as I know. HOWEVER, they are pretty easily removable. When they are dry, just rub them vigorously with a dry towel and off they come, even off black clothes. I'm not sure what it is about terrycloth that works so well, but that's the secret.

A towel. Now why hadn't I thought of that?

I have the same problem with deodorant, if anyone gives you any helpful advice, please please post it for everyone else's benefit? Oh, and I love pamie.com.

You are so not alone. I have also felt, many times, like a big disgusting sweaty dork because I have a similar lack of ability to keep the smearing from happening all over my shirts. And I'm guessing it's not your chest, cause I'm a little 36A.

I felt compelled to email you to tell you that you are not alone in the seventh circle of deoderant hell. I too, cannot figure out how to get deoderant to work properly, I find myself bouncing between the very two dilemmas you find yourself in. Risk smelly pits, or white streaks on my shirt? I was reading your entry and nodding to myself. Ours is a terrible cross to bear. Or whatever.

I'm not ashamed of you - I have the same problem. And yes - it's my chest's fault too. When I put on any kind of pull-over shirt, it gets sort of caught on the rack, and wads up under my arms. This makes this kind of interesting pattern down the sides of my shirt.

The only thing I've found that works is a quick inspection and a damp terrycloth towel. DO NOT USE A PAPER PRODUCT OF ANY KIND. This just lints you all up (is lint a verb?).

Either that, or just buy nothing but button down shirts.....

I feel/hear your pain. Why not try an aerosol one, sure you're killing the ozone layer but at least your shirts will be pretty.

I am about to pass on a magical and mysterious deodorant-residue solution (never mind that it came from an episode of MTV's House of Style years and years ago; let's pretend it was handed down from my great-great grandmother to her daughter to her daughter to me, ok?) Here it is: Rub another part of the garment over the residue-y spot, e.g., grab the hem of your shirt and rub it against the stripe. Something about the friction of the material over itself just does away with the residue. I, too, am a big spaz with the deodorant, this trick is part of my everyday routine; I use it in conjunction with the apply-after-putting-on-shirt method, which limits the stripes to reachable areas of the shirt.

It appears that many of us are just grinning and bearing it, opting to clean up after ourselves with towels, clothes, water, and lint brushes, or just avoiding any clothing that might rub up against us.

Then there are those who won't let a little thing like "shirts" get them down.

THE NUDISTS:

I put on deodorant fresh out of the shower, then do stuff like towel off my hair, put on moisturizer, examine my eyebrows for wayward hairs, put on lotion, etc. By the time it's Shirt Time, I'm well into the safety zone.

"The safety zone." See? I always thought that had something to do with football.

You could, say, take your shower and dry your pits and immediately apply the deodorant. Then, if you're like me, you wander back to your bedroom and sit on the bed looking forlornly at your closet for a good ten minutes before you ever put on clothes. Takes a bit longer to get ready, but your deodorant would be pretty well dry by the time you were putting on any clothes.

This girl and I have the same closet.

I do the topless thing. I put on my pants and bra, apply deoderant. Then, I make breakfast, drink coffee, and watch the morning news. When food is gone and commercials begin, I go back to the bathroom and make my face pretty. And hair. Just before I am ready to go out the door, the shirt gets put on. I have yet to forget the shirt, so there shouldn't be cause for worry in that department. =)

I'm sure I'd forget the shirt. And what's with the leisurely morning where you get to watch the news? In the morning I'm barely brushing my teeth before the tennis shoes go on and I'm out the door to run or I roll out my mat to do an hour's worth of yoga. If I engage myself with television or even sip one taste of coffee my entire workout will go to hell, so I have to trick myself into working out before my brain realizes I'm up. I have to start working out still asleep.

Yes, the most surefire way is to let the deodorant adjust to your bod for twenty minutes or so. Which is great if you live alone and can wander around in your bra and eat breakfast and stuff, but it requires a most amazing amount of pre-appointment organization and routine. And doesn't account for freshening events.

Did I just say freshening events?

At any rate, have you tried dress shields?

I'm not even sure what all of those words mean. "Dress shields?" Is that something I wear or use? Do I swallow it? Is it just a fancy way of saying "Put panty liners in the underarms of your clothes." Because I ain't doin' it. That's a trick, I know it. You're just trying to see if I'd put panty liners under my arms. Pretty sneaky, sis.

And what are "refreshing events?" Is that the time right after lunch before a meeting? Or right between meetings? Or are you talking about morning sex or something? What's with all the cryptic talk? I'm so confused.

Anyhow, I'm sorry to say it, but I think that applying deodorant and then traipsing around topless until it dries is the only fool-proof solution. At least, I assume that's how all of those flawlessly put together/never eat off their lipstick/bra and underwear always match/never too much perfume but always just enough ladies manage to make it through a whole day with nary a sweat bead forming on their hairless bodies covered with immaculate, white-streak free t-shirts.

But I don't have 20 minutes every morning to walk around half naked. I've got just enough time to leap out of bed late, shower, choke down some cereal, put on my clothes and then jam a stick of deoderant under my shirt and wave it around frantically in order to hop in my car fifteen minutes late to brave the 134 all the way to Hollywood.

A girl after my own heart, that one.

I love the group of you who really want to walk around naked, but just aren't ready to do it yet. Or you have roommates or neighbors or something.

THE HALF-NUDISTS:

I wish I could help you but I am still basically at a loss. I have resorted to clear deodorant, but I usually have to reapply several times a day. I also wear tank-tops a lot, so I can put it on after I put on my top, and then after the deodorant has 'dried,' I'll put on a sweater. It's a very complicated process that done in the wrong order can be disasterous. But my problem isn't my boobs, since they're basically non-existent. If someone out there has a worthwhile solution for us StinkyPetes, let me know!

Then some of you might just be sponsored by your underarm coverage products.

THE ADVERTISERS:

Now, you can't laugh at me, but I use Teen Spirit clear gel deodorant, even though I no longer qualify as anything close to "teen". (Berry Blossom, in case you absolutely have to know.)

In regards to the pit problem, have you ever tried Lady Mitchum? I'm going to share what may be too much information with you, but it's to show you I have a bit of "authority" here! I started going through perimenopause earlier this year (at the "tender" age of 40, no less -- I'm already on hormones! Yikes!), and something about the hormonal changes totally changed my perspiration. I've always been the kind of person who could forget to put on antiperspirant and have it not really be a problem, but all of a sudden my pits were positively toxic! I tried dozens of deodorants, and finally landed on Lady Mitchum clear gel (I like the spring fresh scent, if you care); it's the kind of gel stuff that you twirl up and it squirts out the holes in the top. It takes a couple of minutes to dry, but I tell ya, even after a long day, I still smell pretty fresh -- sometimes even the next morning. To be honest, though, I've never had a problem with excessive sweating, just the grody smell, so I don't know if it will help keep you dry, but I assume that it would. Give it a shot; you might like it too.

I was fine until she said "you twirl up and it squirts out the holes."

There's also a product called Maxim that I tried a few times. It seemed to work really well, but I have pretty sensitive skin and it gave me a rash. (That's also long been an underarm problem of mine -- everything I seem to do there seems to irritate me! Except the Mitchum, that is.) It's a product for hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating); I don't know where you can buy it except the internet. Surely somewhere, but their homepage is: http://www.coradhealthcare.com (I ordered from them and had no problems.) You can even use it on your feet and hands if you have sweaty ones. I highly recommend checking out their web page and at least reading about it.

I, too will only trust the platinum secret. I used to work in a hardware store, and my office was in a portable thing located outside the main store. I had to run around on a forklift in the hot Hawaii sun, wearing jeans and the lovely hardware store pullover shirt. It took me a couple of days to find the perfect deoderant, but eventually the search ended when I found Secret Platinum. I'm sure the co-workers were pleased.

You say you don't want to use those crystals that close up your pores? A friend of mine who sweats like Niagra swears by them.

Uh-huh. Where's this friend, living in some hippie cave off the coast of Freelovania? Because I don't trust those girls who only like to bathe in lakes and streams and then hold rocks under their arms. I don't care what they say, Patchouli isn't a substitute for good old fashioned Dial.

Ooh. What's with me being so touchy about the crystals girls? I don't know. I think it must come from my fear of The Dark Crystal and a deep worry that using this product will turn me into a Gelfling.

Oh, wait. I remember now:

I am not too sure how i even managed to stumble across and read your article. First of all, i think what you need to do is chill the fuck out (seriously). If you are starting to hate yourself because of a simple armpit situation, then something is seriously lacking in your self-esteem - and its not deodorant. My advice to you is to accept your armpit sweat as a natural outcome of being a human being. Also, it is very possible that your sense of logic is damaged if you think getting alzeihmer's is worth smelling like a pot of chemicals from a product you willfully apply to your body in order to stop yourself from sweating - a ludicrous notion in light of the fact that sweating is the body's way of eliminating dangerous toxins. If you can't deal with holding a crystal to your armpit but you are willing to compromise your own physical health, and possibly your short-term memory, then something is seriously wrong.

My solution? Realize that the superficial aspects of life will no longer be important to you if your health is failing... You may want to try applying essential oils to your pits from a health food store... some essential oils that work include lavender (mild scent and effective), citronella (very effective, lemon-like scent), patchouli (musky scent that blends in to some people's natural odor in a complimentary fashion), clove (very strong so it is not recommended if you have just shaved - only the tiniest drop for those who chose to use it or burning sensations will ensue), and essential oils in the citrus fruit category (fresh and effective)... i suggest you buy a few different kinds of oils and experiment until you have found your own personal scent combination... essential oils are not only totally natural, but when rubbed in properly, they leave absolutely no trace on clothing.

Look out for the Certain Dri gang --

I used to have the same problem, and I finally found a product that actually works exactly the way that it says it will. Actually, looking at the bottle, its just an anti-perspirant. Anyway, have you heard of/tried Certain Dri? Its a clear roll on that you apply at night, before bed. Most pharmacies carry it, you just have to ask for it. If they don't have it, they should be able to order it. (I know for sure that Walgreen's can get it, most likely overnight.) Its a little more expensive than regular stuff, but well worth it. (I pay about six dollars a bottle here, but it usually lasts around six weeks or so.) Its really, really good stuff, and I finally stopped ruining clothes when I started using it. Maybe that's not the kind of suggestion/solution you were looking for, but I was so happy when I discovered this stuff that I've vowed to share the knowledge with anyone who needs it. (And I'd hate for you to become so distraught that you stopped updating. It would be awful if that happened.) Thanks for the site, and for the Gilmore Girls recaps.

I have the same problem. Seriously. Embarrassing. I know. But I found a solution and you can too. I just have to remember to do it. It is Certain Dri. This stuff is amazing. It is so strong that you put it on the night before. See. Problem solved. You out it on before you go to sleep. You still shower in the morning and everything and the next day you will not sweat. I am not a overly sweaty girl but I was getting some sweat through that was totally not cool. This took care of that too. It is insanely strong. And since it like contracts your sweat glands overnight the next day - no mess, no sweat, clean shirts - a miracle. Seriously, check it out. I got mine at Walgreens - so you could probably get it in any pharmacy type place. Seriously, try it and let me know the results!

I have the same problem. Over the summer I switched to Certain Dri. It rules.

You put it on at night and you don't need to do anything else. It really works. Don't ever put it on right after shaving or you will die. I only need to use it every other day.

I am with you in your struggle for dry clean pits. :)

Is anyone else starting to get a little scared of this stuff? It doesn't wash off in the shower and burns when I put it on? Is it made of acid? Am I burning my armpits shut?

You must try this stuff called "Certain-Dri". It's a roll-on...it's clear...the only weird thing is that you have to apply at night. And you can't apply immediately after shaving or you'll regret it. But, it works so amazingly well you'll never sweat again. I swear by this stuff. You may have to ask at the pharmacy how to get it because it's not always on the shelf with the other deodorants. But, no skunk stripes, and no sweating ever. Promise.

Now if you are looking for industrial strength deodorant that is guaranteed to give your Alzheimer's, I recommend Certain Dri. It can be found on the shelves of your local drug store. You put it on at night and don't wear anything during the day. Basically, it seals any gland within a 5 inch radius and guarantees you won't sweat. To be honest, it does sting a little when you first apply it, and I wouldn't recommend you use it after shaving, unless that level of pain is your thing, but you will NOT sweat. At all.

Yeah, I think I'm a little scared of this. It's the only suggestion that came with so many disclaimers. I don't want my underarm products to come with warning labels. It's just a little sweat, right?

Obviously not. This is serious business.

First off, no, you are not the only one with this problem. I understand completely. I know about the white stripes on the side of the shirt, and the lovely white ring that forms under the arms of all dark shirts. I know the pain of never being able to raise your elbows above waist level while the temperature is higher than 75 degrees. Nerves do it, heat does it, everything seems to cause (or worsen) the problem. But see, you're in luck, because your readers fix everything. Secret Platinum stopped working for me about a year after I started using it and I found another anti-perspirant called Certain-Dri, a true gift. I get it off drugstore.com, but I'm sure that some real drugstores carry it. This stuff is stronger than Secret, but I think it poses less of an Alzheimer's risk because you only use a couple strokes every couple days. Sounds weird I know, but if you follow the instructions, it works. Really really works. No more stains, no more lines (it's a roll-on so no white lines), no more very embarrassing dark circles. It worked for me, and it's definitely better than what you have now.

Man, how great is this product? I'm going to have to try it, burning skin and all. I can really wear it at night, get up in the morning, run for two and a half miles, take a shower and stroll into a morning meeting without one squiggle line floating up from my pits?

I have the same problem of most deodorants not working that great, and even Secret Platinum doesn't work as well for me as it used to. What I use now is called Certain Dri. You can get it at the drugstore. It's different from other deodorants because you put it on the night before, just before you go to bed. Then in the morning you don't have to put on anything at all and you won't get it on your clothes. It really works! It's some kind of amazing superantiperspirant for excessive sweating. Some people say it stings a little bit but I don't have that problem.

I guess it's worth a try.

Others of you suggested less acidic/permanent alternatives:

Ever since you said you used Secret Platinum, I tried it out (I'm always searching for a deodorant that works) and I used it for a while, but I found out that I have to use a lot of it (just a little doesnt work), it takes too long to dry and it stains my clothes. Some months ago I discovered the new Dove Invisible Solid and it's really good. It's drier and you can use just a little of it and it still works. Dove invisible solid is goood.

If you like Secret Platinum, you'll LOVE Lady Mitchum. It works even better and I've never sweated through it, and I do perspire a lot here in Atlanta.

I don't normally do this, but you asked, so I'm a-tellin'. First off, I have the same pit issues and Secret Platium Protection is also the only thing that works for me. So I feel your pit pain. Sometimes the Platium Protection doesn't even hold up. I mean it's not like I'm gushing from the underarms, but it's not delicate dewiness either.

Anyway, here's some information that you've probably already gotten from umpteen people by now: they make Secret Platinum in a clear gel now. Yep. It's true. I've been using it for a month, and it's the same deal only invisible. So slather those pits and go undampened and unsmudged into the world.

That's what I'm using right now. And you know what? It's still getting on everything. Goes on clear, dries up white. Sucks!

And, um... "Delicate dewiness?" Ew.

I just wanted to let you know that I have found that Dove solid deodorant goes on sheer and works really well (I used to use Secret Platinum and thought that was the only thing that would work, too.) But, if you don't want to switch, baby wipes will remove the deodorant marks on your clothes and won't harm most fabrics (they will leave a yellow mark on white clothes until you wash them, but that's neither here nor there.) Baby wipes also work well for make-up, toothpaste, ink, etc. Just a tip.

Neither here nor there? Why would I want a yellow mark? How is that better than a white mark? Yellow means old sweat!

It's true about baby wipes, though. They fix everything. You could survive on an island with duct tape and baby wipes.

I guess you'd have to eat the baby wipes... never mind.

Almay's Clear Gel Deodorant & Antiperspirant Hypoallergenic Unscented. With the complete lack of scent emanating from it, you'd never imagine how well it works.

A deodorant I recommend is Lady Mitchum. It is the only thing that works for me. Get the clear gel kind, not the roll-on powdery stuff. I'm partial to the powder-fresh scent.

I use clear Mitchum deoderant which works really well. Then, I take my hairdryer and put it on the cool section until it dries.

You think we're done? Oh, we're not done. Part two, over here.