signed, sealed, delivered.
14 July 2003
People showed up! Huzzah!
I had a really great time at the signing
on Saturday, and learned that my book, when read over
a microphone and amp near children browsing Harry Potter,
is incredibly dirty. I didn't even realize my potty mouth
until I eventually had to read the Hugh Grant entry just
to keep myself from saying the F word. And even then Hugh
says "panties" and talks about masturbation.
I'm like Eddie Murphy up there.
Liz didn't seem to mind. "I can't
wait until there's an ugly line drawing of you on these
walls," she said, pointing at the scary Margaret
Atwood near my head.
I had planned on reading two passages from
the book, but that seemed to take .02 seconds, so I had
to keep reading. I eventually took requests. The bookseller
hosting the event apparently was worried I'd stare at
the audience and they'd stare at me for hours if there
was a moment of dead air, so she constantly supplied me
with questions. We gave away presents to the youngest
(20), the farthest traveled (San Diego, even though Liz
up there did get on a plane from New York that very morning
and came straight from the airport), longest Squishy reader
(since 1999, but one person told me that she probably
had been reading longer if I had just opened the question
up to the entire room), and most unique Squishy story
(ended up going to stee).
Afterward we went for drinks at a little
cajun restaurant nearby, where we took full advantage
of happy hour. Half of the table had decent service, and
the other half had the worst time one waiter could provide.
Guess which side of the table had the good time?
It did feel a little like I had asked a
room of my friends to show up so I could read out loud
to them, but it was so nice to look up and see a room
full of people I love, and some I've never met before.
My oldest friends, my newest friends, some fans, and one
crazy man who I was warned might scream crazy thoughts
at any moment. Apparently he often comes into the store
and freaks out during readings. Well, after I finished
reading the Barbie entry, he got up and walked out. I
guess he felt I was handling all the crazy ranting that
day, and he wasn't needed. I had a great time and was
really appreciative of everyone who took the time to come
out and support my first book reading.
 So
the other day I got really upset about Corey Feldman,
and I think I owe some of you an apology. I got an email
from someone the other day who told me she just graduated
high school, and she'd been reading me since junior high.
Junior. High. Some of you were learning to crawl
when Corey was fighting vampires. I shouldn't be so harsh.
I've come up with a solution. Anonymous
Pop Culture Service, right here. You write in with your
question, I'll post it and answer it, keeping your name
out of it. This is your time to find out the answer to
something that's always confused you or eluded you, but
you were too nervous to ask your friends. There is no
question too silly or unnecessary. I want to help you.
"What's the big deal about The Breakfast Club?"
"Why should I own a copy of Thriller?"
"What's Remote Control, and why do some of
you still like Colin Quinn?"
You can ask me anything, and all this week
I'll be addressing your Eighties concerns. You can even
add the Nineties, if you're that young. But if you're
that young, please don't tell me. You see, I'm still in
my twenties, and I don't understand why I'm suddenly feeling
so old. But I think some of you grew up without an older
sibling, without a role model to put the right albums
in your hands and direct you to the good movies. You've
all seen Heathers, right? If not, please go do
that right now. I don't care where you are. Tell someone
you're sick, go to the video store, and spend a day learning
lines like "I got paid in puke." I always thought it was "I got peed in puke," which I think is a better line. Anyway, this is all very important.
Okay. Here's your first lesson. This is
taken from the latest Delia's
catalog. They are called leg warmers.
NO! BAD! STAY AWAY! NO. PUT THEM DOWN.
NO.
And those shoes make me want to vomit. The
ones on the right. The ones on the left, they were worn
by cute boys who rode bikes. They're called "Vans."
Yes, now Vans are skater shoes and they make thousands
of varieties, but at one point those were the shoes you
were talking about when you talked about Vans.
But those shoes on the right, if I see you
in them, I'm going to judge you harshly.
Why did we even wear leg warmers in the
first place? Well, it's a little complicated, but at one
time we all wanted to be a welder by day and a stripper
by night, one who ate corn on the cob like a starving
child and then went ice skating with our slutty best friend.
We wanted to be all sweaty and drive men crazy when we
took our bras off through our shirt-sleeves. Yeah, at
some point that was considered sexy. I don't get it, either.
So when you see that J.Lo video and you're
like, "These images are cool, but they really don't
go with this song," it's because she's trying to
recapture the magic of Flashdance, a movie you
should have seen by now. Don't judge us by this movie.
Know that for us, it was Center Stage. It was 8
Mile. It made us think we could do something we had
no business doing, never trained for, and had no real
drive to do. And since we couldn't do any of it, we wore
leg warmers and practiced sit-ups with Jane Fonda.
I should probably save Jane Fonda for another
day. Please send in
your questions. I promise to treat all of you with the
utmost respect. It's a really good thing you're doing,
reaching out for help. It only hurts the first time.
First lesson over. I leave you today with
a little rant from brother journaller Slappyjack,
whose outrage helped inspire our new Pop Culture Correspondence
Course. So many of you wrote in with your own stories
of amazement at someone not knowing who Harrison Ford
or Cary Grant was that I knew it was time to do something.
But Slap here, well he took it to another level.
The thing about the 80's is...
Its OURS.
It BELONGS TO US, with all our terrible horrible memories
of Middle and
High school packed in there along with all of the John
Hughes movies
and (Insert New Wave band here) and Pat The Sexiest Singer
Under 100
pounds Benetar and Bad Primordial Pop/Glam Metal and The
A-Team and
everything else we hold dear as childhood memories.
I dont care if a bunch of Brit-Brit wannabes don't know
who the Coreys
were, because they DO NOT DESERVE THEM!
THEY. ARE. OURS.
The Fucking Soulless Marketing Wonks at all the Goddamn
Titanic
Entertainment Yes-I-Am-So-A-Legal-Entity-Corporations
can't think of
anything NEW to try to shove down our throats and use
it to "get us to
work jobs we hate to buy shit we don't need" so they
just roll 4d6, jump
back that many years and start stealing the shit that
was cool back then
(such as: Rolling 4d6) and regurgitate it back upon us
with a 65% markup
because now its "retro"
FUCK THEM!
THE EIGHTIES ARE OURS
AND YOU
CAN'T
FUCKING
HAVE IT!
Cory Feldman. Jesus Christ.
HE WAS THE KID WITH THE GLASSES IN THE MOVIE "STAND
BY ME," A MOVIE
ADAPTED FROM A STEPHEN KING NOVEL!
IT ALSO STARRED KEIFER SUTHERLAND BEFORE HE GOT ALL SERIOUS
AND THOUGHT HE WAS HIS GODDAMN DAD!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sorry, sissy. life is shitty and I had to let out at someone
after your
story of the dingbat girls.
mwuah! mwuah! mwuah!
Hope your book is doing gangbusters, even though they
DO look nice
packed by the carton. Also, my "Rantings of a Complete
and Total
Dickhead" is looking to get picked up, too.
kidding.
-sj
PS - Luckily, they'll never be able to steal "You
Can't Do That On
Television," 'cause it was Canadian, and was too
completely amazingly
rad to ever be redone.
PPS - I wish Moose was my girlfriend.
If any of that confused you, that's what
I'm here for. And
you know what? I have no idea what "Rolling 4d6"
is, either. But I'm guessing it's a D&D thing (That's
"Dungeons and Dragons". You can Google that
and let someone more capable explain it to you).
And "Stand By Me" was actually
adapted from a Stephen King novella (stee corrected me that it wasn't technically a "short story." He's technically "nitpicky." stee then pointed out that I'm doing the same thing to Slap. This might go on all day.) called "The
Body" in a collection called Different Seasons.
See? It's going to be okay. I'm here for you. Slap's just
a little angry. That's what happens when you forget our
culture, or never bothered to learn it in the first place.
We have so little culture, our generation. Please let
us share it with you.
Currently Reading: Drinking Coffee Elsewhere. I am slowly drifting away from this book.
Please donate a book to Oakland:
Lakeview
Branch
Brookfield
Branch
Temescal
Branch
Cesar
E. Chavez branch
Martin
Luther King, Jr. Branch
Rockridge
Branch
Montclair
Branch
Piedmont
Avenue Branch
Main
Branch
contact a
library to send private donations
Berkeley bookstore Cody's
Books offers free shipping.
OPL's
help page
Order
a copy of Why Girls are Weird. Or you can read
an excerpt.
Hate "The Man?" Order your copy from your
local independent
bookstore.
|
