That's a greeting I learned from my friends at work. Yes folkks. I got a job. Me, Jame Gumb. A responsible, taxd paying citizen, who just happens to have a girl in her well. I work in the secretary pool down at the local Red Cross administrative building. I wanted to get out there" in the world as a woman, but I could tell everyone was just humoring me. So I went back and applied as a man and got the job. The real reason I applied for the job was that I figured there'd be a lot of access to blood, and I need some for my latest project (details to come later!) but the blood bank was in a totally different location. I applied for a transfer but by that time I'd became really close with the girls in other floaters in the secretary pool. WE meets at t the Green Cactus for margaritas and gossip every Tuesday after work and dish about the gang. We bowl on Thursday at lunch and even had a Super Bowl poool going last month. They're really all great gals and we even started calling ourselves "The View," after that womderful show me and Precious like to TiVo every morning and watch at night over corn friters and Crystal light.
I've bedcome particlarrly close to one woman in particular. That's the "starr Jones" in our "View" and her names is Jenny. Jenny is a rather plump 23 year-old weho lives with her mean boyfriend Julio in a smal house with three kids (none hers) and five pit bulls. Jenny confides in my how unhappy she is but she loveS julio and she doesn't have the courage to leave her. Well, I learned on Oprah that it's sometimes up to a person's friends Ð that they have a duty to help their friend find the courage to Make The Break sometimes. So I have decides to help Jenny out. She doesn't know this yet, of course, but some night soon I'm going to invite Jenny over for corn Fritters and Crystal Light Ð but her novelty "Reindeer Games' glass I got from Taco Bell (Lurve the Chalupas!) is gong to be spiked with a knock-out powder I make from the larvae of Chilean Banana Moths, and when she wkes up, she will no longer live with the abusive obyfriend, the babies who aren't hers, and the killer crazy un-Precious dogs! She will live in my well, from which I will clean out all of Catherine's blood. Problem solved!
OH, that sounded mistleading. No, Catherine is not dead yet. I still haven't been able to kill the bitch. But I will soon, so help me Dr. Phil.
Say hi Catherine! Catherine isn't in the mood to talk much these days. Over Thanksgiving she had a total freak out about turrning 30 and living in a well and all, and I had to poke her unconscious with a stick and then sew her mouth shut with Precious's dental floss. So now she's on a vow of silence, which is just fine by me but it does get a little lonely when I want to dish with someone while we watch the excellent "Joe Millionaire" on Fox, or the less great but still good "Bachlorette." Precious isnt that into the shows, and catherine refuses to play along. Sometime I have to do the "tuck" and prop up a mirror and dish with my girl self during the show. But I swear, I will get Catherine to dish with me during the upcoming "Am I Hot?" on ABC, or I will poke thagt bitch to death with a stick. (As a joke I once took a phooto of Catherine in the well and submitted it to amihotornot.com. Catherine got a 1.2!!! Haaaaaaa! I laughed and laughed about that for days.) Man, I relaly should just kill her. Maybe if someone sends me the Death Stick from my amazon WISH LIST I'll finally do it. But make sure to send it anonymousely, otherwise you'll be an accomplace! Kidding!
Anyway, my new job and Catherine is only part of the reason I haven't been writing in so long. The real reason is, well, the pettines and shittalking that's been going on. I went to JournalCon in Chicago and no one talked to me. No one even tried to talk to me. It made me cry for weeks, people. Weeks. And for some reason my reffer logs went down and no one was read ing and I just got really bitter. Istarted poking Catherine with a stick way too much and drinking just tons of Yoo-Hoo and I was in a really deep shame spiral. It was made all the worst by an email I got containing forum threads from some forum where everyone was making fun of the "strange quiet guy at Journlacon". I don't know why someone would sent that to me. Only to make me angry and sad, I guess. People are so cruel.
So I went to the San Francisco JournalCon with my van and a whole length of rope and lots of duct tape. I was determined to kidnap at elast one or two journalers, most likely Beth or Omar or Dana. One night I actually had Anna Beth alone drunkenly weaving her way down an alley in Union Square, but then I thoght of her daughter and really didn't want to be "that guy." SO I let her go.
Anyway, as you can see, I've been in a bad space for a while. But I think I'm starting to come out of it. It was recently my birthday and Jenny gave me a Carvel cake in the shape of a whale, which really made me happy. I even gave Catherine only a couple light pokes with a stick that night.
But I swear, if she doesn't dish with me during "Am I Hot?" She's totally dead.
Welcome me back! Or else. (Ha!É Not.)