I Hate Catherine...


Hi everyone. I know I didn't update for a while and now I am all right in a row but I'm really upset today and have to vent.

Being a fake-tranny serial killer and all, I don't get out much.

But I'd been hearing so much about this new "indie" movie, MEmento that I had to go see it. So I put on my favorite "Jennifer Rothman" sweatpants and my "Susie Brent" cape and drove the van to the mall to see it. I got some Butterfinger bites and some popcorn with lots of butter because I was feeling fat and just sorta didn't feel very attractive if you know what I mean because that stupid bitch Catherine called me ugly earlier and I had to poke her with a stick and so I was feeling vulnerable and so I kinda binged. Sue me. Anyway. The movie.

I didn't understand it at all. Like, I'm a killer, right? You'd think I'd be the target audience. But I just couldn't understand anything. The movie goes backwards which I got, but then suddenly there's the guy from Bound and he's a cop and maybe not a cop but then all of a sudden, he says that the main killer guy already found the killer. I mean, what's up with that, yo? And so I follow that part fine, but then you see a pitcutre of him with his wife who now he supposedly killed and they're in bed and he has all the tattoos which he only got after his wife died and I don't know if that was just a fantasy or what? I mean, I don't understand why they have to make movies so complicated. I think they're just trying to mess with us on purpose and the movie people really don't' know what they're talking about. I'd like to take the jack-hole who directed it and make a pair of mittens out of his scrotum.

Call me crazy (ha!) but movies should be about escapism. I mean, I come to the movies so seldom and it's a big risk for me anyway, the last thing I want to do is get home and have to think, you know. I don't' want to rant here (oooh, Best Rant, Summer 2001?) but I have a fucking girl in my well and moths got loose all over my house and the Fbi is after me, you know, so I really just need some escapism.

Anyway, that's not that worst part. So I drove home in the van feeling upset and I briefly considered stabbing this old lady I saw at a bus stop with a TGIFriday's swizzle stick I had from a blind date I went on a few weeks ago (don't ask!). but I didn't. I went to Chinatown and bought a pirate version of Memento on VHS (yeah, I know it's wrong, but those Hollywood people make too much money anyway, if you ask me) and when I got home I lowered my TV/VCR combo down to Catherine in the basket and said, "It watches Memento and explains the ending to me."

Soo I spent two hours reading theories about the movie on various forums (Should I start one of those?) but I kept seeing banner ads and I can't help but click and then I never get anything done and before I knew it, two hours had gone by. So then I went to the well to hear Catherine's theories, and she had dismantled the TV/VCR combo and was trying to make some sort of catapult out of the parts. I threw dog feces at her and tried to make her put the thing back together, but she refused, so she got the hose for an hour straight.. I swear I'm going to kill that bitch tomorrow, just as soon as I find out if my Priceline offer was accepted for JournalCon. (Cross your fingers.) Anyway, now my TV/VCR combo is broken and I'm going to miss The View tomorrow. Stupid bitch. I swear it's barely worth having a girl in your well anymore these days.

I miss girls like Martha Wedford. She did everything I told her to she would have explained Memento for me like I was talking to Mr. Roger Ebert himself. I miss her. I was actually going to let her out on condition she stick around and be my friend and companion, but I actually left the hose on for too long one day when she back-sassed and the drain was blocked and she drowned whle I was out shopping for new nipple clamps at Home Depot. I couldn't leave my dungeon for days after that I was so depressed.

And this new thing with the TV/VCR combo is just the last straw. Since I've been doing so much "surfing" on the internet lately and buying stuff, I've had too remember lots of passwords and so I thought I would be fun to get Catherine involved and I told her to write down all my passwords in blood on the wall, You know, as an activity we could do together and yes, I know giving out your password is totally not a smart thing to do, but I am going to kill her so it really won't matter anyway. Well, the other day I was looking at Delias.com and wanted to buy this floral print skirt to use as a model for a new project I'm working on and I called down, "It tells me the password for Delias.com," and she gave me "Precious" as the password and it was totally wrong. So I asked her again and she gave me a different wrong password. I heard her laughing and I got really mad so after I poked her unconscious with a stick and climbed down into the well, I found she'd just been writing mean things about me on the wall of her well instead of my passwords. God, I swear I can't trust that bitch at all. I mean, I like her and all and it's nice to have someone around, but she's on my last nerve, yo.

Anyway, I gotta go. I'm going to try to teach Catherine how to make God's Eyes with bones. Wish me luck. If this activity doesn't work, I don't know what I'm going to do. I really don't.

Cheers!