All Over This Land...

Hello, sweet angles!!!! I can't describe for you how happy I am. I know it's been a long time since I've updated and so much has happened that I can't even really tell you any of it, but I just wanted to stop in and say that I can't believe someone bought me a hammer from my wish list. It's the coolest chipping hammer in the world and I love it so much. I love it love it love it. Yesterday I used it to hammer my nipple against my refridgerator. It's the best gift ever.

If I listened to Peter, Paul and Mary more I could write a really funny parody here of "If I had a Hammer," but I don't listen to that stupid hippiy bullshit.

Wait. Stop. Hammer time.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Fucking hell, I'm funny. Best Comedic Entry, come to pappa.

oh, and I wasn't going to say anything, but I'm so upset that I wasn't asked to be on Damn Hell Ass Kings that I'm planning to write to each and every one of those assholes and tell them what items of my fall wardrobe their faces will be making. I mean, it's not like I'm worse than any of those other so-called journals. Anyway, i don't want to talk about it because it gets me too upset. But I jus wish they'd write and tell me what it is I've done so wrong. I've only asked to be a part of the webpage like, four times. YOu think they'd at least write back once.

Precious peed on my new red silk panties yesterday. What do think that means? I made her sit in the corner on her pouty cushion and think about what she'd done. She fell asleep before I could find out if she was sorry.

I'm trying something new with Catherine's lotion. She's starting to look kinda pasty and I want to make a leather belt for this cute little coat I'm making for the winter, and I think that by the time I get off my lazy ass and actually kill Catherine, I'm gonna have a little extra for the belt (the actual piece I'm making with Catherine's skin is way too much of a good idea to share before it's finished. Sorry, but I really don't trust any of you.). So, I'm having her put tanning lotion on her right leg. But she's a fucking idiot and she started putting it all over her body and she's starting to look like an orange and brown whore. Honestly, i don't know what I'm going to do with taht girl. I was so angry that I grabbed the poking stick too hard and it flipped out of my hands, into the air and landed right in my hair and stuck there! Oh, my God, we laughed about that for like, six minutes in a row. Then Catherine said something really funny but I can't repeat it here because it's about another journaller and I don't want anyone to be insulted, but man it was funny. She can be really mean if she wants to, but she's really a nice person, I promise. I mean, I'm gonna kill her, but she really does have her nice parts. I swear. One day I'll write about them.

Shit. The pizza guy is here. I have to go put on my welder's helmet before he peeks in the window. I'll update more later, since I have so much to catch up on.

Somebody email me, for fuck's sake. What are ya, afraid I'm gonna find you and stick you in my well?

Huh. Now that I think about it, be sure to include your full name and address. and dress size. and tell me about yourself! Don't be shy!