If the Chicken & Karaoke (TM) is too silly for you to stomach anymore, you could always go check out how Buffalo Bill is doing these days. (except it's even sillier)

The appetizer:

L merrily prepares to sing a duet with Sara M's robot alter ego, "Vox."




And, the main meal:

A pirate named Salty Pete.



And yes, before you ask: he only sings songs that begin with the letter "Rrrrr!"

I feel like we were in the middle of something. What on earth was it? Oh, yes. I was singing "Shock the Monkey," apparently about myself and my newly-installed monkey face.



People singing karaoke is some ugly hoodoo, is what it is.

Oy. So, okay. I promised a six-part series, and a six-part series I intend to give you. But I already spit out most of the stuff I was going to put in today's entry prior to today's entry, so I'm going to combine some stuff about KR3 and make my sixth installment a bonus entry about the rap version of KR3, called, "Get on the Mic." Or is it "Get on da Mic"? I'll know by Entry #6.

So we know, in exhaustive detail, the song options available to newly-acquainted fans of KR3. But how best to attack these songs? For a while, it was super-fun to go around the room and see who ranks best on a whole song. And clearly, y'all know by now how much I enjoy the many duet modes. After all, doesn't this:



...look like more fun than this?



And doesn't this:



...make you want to come over more than this?



And, the most important question...



Why on earth am I holding a trumpet, anyway?

So I thought nothing could beat the duets; working together to kick each others' ass seemed a most sporting option. But it wasn't until we discovered that you could pick one character, blow him through the platinum version of every song, and unlock untold songs, characters, performance venues, and cheats. Thus, we created "L." Ladies and gentlemen..."L."



"L" is a plushie.

Let me explain.

When we decided to work our magic as a group, we created one character for all of us and went to work. We decided to use the obviously retarded man in a giant feline-of-some-kind costume who, as my backstory for him has it, used to entertain at childrens' birthday parties until he was accused of petting one of the children back and decided to go into karaoke hustling full-time. In our hurry to get him an identity and get him started, Pam hit one button and then enter. Our group identity was thus christened. We were a plushie named "L." He's so happy, and here he is again:



We quickly unlocked songs that sucked (I WILL do "China Grove" one day), costumes that ruled (devil horns!), characters that changed our lives (see tomorrow for more on "Vox"), and cheats we've only begun to figure out (a squirming little man instead of a microphone, which...stay away from that + drugs, is all I'm saying).

And seriously, dig these cheats. DIG THEM, I SAY!

Cheat Collection 1:
Complete at least one song with a "Platinum" rank in each venue in Showtime mode to unlock the "Cheat Collection 1" option. Then, select the "Cheats" option at the "Extras Menu", select "Cheat Collection 1", then enter one of the following codes to unlock the corresponding cheat option. A sound will confirm correct code entry.
Big eyed character: Press Circle(2), Square(2), Down, Left, Left, Down.
Banana microphone: Press Down, Up, Left, Right, Square, Circle, Square, Circle.
Toothbrush microphone: Press L2(2), Square, Circle, Down, Up, Left, L3.
Dwanye doll microphone: Press Square(2), R3, Circle, Up, Down, Right, Left.

Cheat Collection 2:
Complete all songs without a "Gold" or "Platinum" rank in each venue in Showtime mode to unlock the "Cheat Collection 2" option. Then, select the "Cheats" option at the "Extras Menu", select "Cheat Collection 2", then enter one of the following codes to unlock the corresponding cheat option. A sound will confirm correct code entry.
Big head character: Press Circle, Square, Circle, Square, Up, Right, Down, Left.
Mercury character: Press Down, Down, Right, Left, Right, Left, Square, Circle.
Wraith character: Press L2(2), Right(2), Circle, Square, R1, R1.
Fish microphone: Press Square, Down, Up, Left, Square(2), L2, L1.

Cheat Collection 3:
Complete all songs with a "Gold" rank in each venue in Showtime mode to unlock the "Cheat Collection 3" option. Then, select the "Cheats" option at the "Extras Menu", select "Cheat Collection 3", then enter one of the following codes to unlock the corresponding cheat option. A sound will confirm correct code entry.
Small head character: Press Circle, R2, L2, R1, L1, Down(2), Up.
Glass character: Press Down, L2, R1, R2, L1, Circle, Square, Circle.
Oil slick character: Press L3(2), R2, R1, L2, L1, Down, Up.
Ice cream microphone: Press Square, Circle, Square, Circle, R2, L2, R1, L1.

Cheat Collection 4:
Complete all songs with a "Platinum" rank in each venue in Showtime mode to unlock the "Cheat Collection 4" option. Then, select the "Cheats" option at the "Extras Menu", select "Cheat Collection 4", then enter one of the following codes to unlock the corresponding cheat option. A sound will confirm correct code entry.
Tough Audio Crowd: Press Circle, L1, L2, R1, R2, Right, Right, Down.
Pirate Crowd: Press Down, L2(2), R2(2), Square, Circle, Square.
Robot Crowd: Press L3, Down(2), R1, Circle, Square, Circle, Square.
Zombie Crowd: Press Square(2), Circle(2), Up, Right(2), Up.
Alien Crowd: Press Up(2), Down, Circle(2), L2, R2, Square.

Bonus songs:
Successfully complete Showtime mode to unlock China Grove and In The Midnight Hour.
Get a "Platinum" rank in at least one song in each venue to unlock Snake Eater (from Metal Gear Solid 3).
Get a "Gold" rank or greater in at least one song in each venue to unlock Waiting For You (from the Silent Hill 4 soundtrack).

Music Video venue:
Get a "Platinum" rank on a song to unlock the Music Video venue in Karaoke, Medley, and Quickplay modes.

The visible posts on this page are now officially, exclusively about karaoke and chicken. It's like a blog of the inside of my mind.

Tomorrow: A pirate named Salty Pete.

Dear Pamie Dot Com:

Long time reader, first time emailer. The reason for my email is a private and personal one, and I hope you can once again channel your inner Oprah and help me with a cause that could change lives. And please do it quickly. Because I'm kind of hungry.

Over the years, Pamie Dot Com has been responsible for much good. Book drives, bra advice, various fundraising ventures. Once, due to the expediency afforded by the internet, I once saw Pamie Dot Com rescue an adorable kitten from the twentieth floor of a burning building. How? I do not know.

Pamie Dot Com, there is a restaurant three feet from my apartment called Birds, and I go there one thousand times a week. My friends and I greatly enjoy their chicken, and enjoy even more the choice of two sides that comes with such a meal. During my time in Los Angeles (and I had my very first dinner ever in Los Angeles at Birds, and I suspect it is where I shall also have my last), I have tried all of the sides on the menu, and find them to be uniformly above reproach. The caesar salad is a staple, the black beans are a delight, and let's just say that the rice pilaf could make a meal in itself, am I right? Really, I shouldn't be complaining. But, Pamie Dot Com, something is missing.

Mac and cheese, Pamie Dot Com, does not appear as a side on the menu at Birds. In my effort to reverse this egregious oversight, I have undertaken many tactics. I have asked every member of the wait staff if perhaps they are planning on adding mac and cheese to the menu. I have ordered mac and cheese really quickly, mouth hidden behind menu, in at attempt to trick them into having it on the menu. I have almost brought a box of Kraft in and asked them to just do it up for me in the back, y'know, while they were already preparing food anyway. No avail.

Please help. Delicious restaurant-grade mac and cheese would most assuredly improve an already excellent eating experience. Perhaps one of your readers knows a higher-up in the Birds family, or perhaps this would be a good place to start a letter-writing campaign. Any help you could give me would be quite helpful. Speed is of the essence; I was thinking of eating there tonight.

Love you, Pamie Dot Com, and I hope we can meet one day. I think you'd REALLY like Birds.

Best in all of your good works,
Dan

Okay, I just have to add a few stories to the songs, in case Dan's too modest and/or actually working to include them.


Burn: This is the song we give newbies when we want to be mean.

Careless Whisper: When Dan takes the microphone, it's like George Michael comes and visits our house.

Come Clean: Oh, God, does stee love this song. Number three on Songs That Stay In Your Head Constantly the Year You Can't Stop Playing This Game.

Don't You Forget About Me: Only Frank has been able to sing this song without approaching Medley Failed status. He did what I had to do the first time I played this game. He turned completely around, plugged his ear with his free hand, closed his eyes and pretended he was far, far away from this game. It's the only way I got through "Killing Me Softly" because the game is telling you "Follow this blue line! Now follow it down to a note you've never heard of before in this song you know by heart and have been singing in the shower since you were a child."

I don't know nothin' 'bout no music theory, other than I now have a theory that I'm very bad at singing. I had no idea until I needed to play this game. My parents used to tell me I couldn't sing, back when I was a kid. Then I was in a musical in high school, and I thought I was singing like a bad ass, until I heard the other girls do an impression of my "There Are Worse Things I Could Do" that involved screaming at the top of their lungs [Glarkware appears to be out of their "Loud is the New Good" shirts, which uh, is apparently exactly what my singing style is]. So. I thought I had earned my singing street cred back when I went on to perform a musical sketch in my troupe for like, a year, but apparently it worked because when I sing, people laugh. Hmm. It's all starting to make sense.

So I can't sing and I didn't really know it until I played this game that wants me to hit "notes" in a certain "range" using "octaves" and/or "harmony." No idea what they're talking about. Then I think, "Well, if showmanship doesn't count, what good is this damn game? If only they'd merge Dance Dance Revolution with Karaoke Revolution 3 -- then we'd have a match." Except: I'm horrible at the Dance Dance game. I think I'm a good dancer. Then I "compete" against my "peers" to determine I have no "rhythm" or "ability to move my feet in a pattern" which is, I believe, the definition of "dancing."

Flashdance...What A Feeling: I don't want to talk about it. Used to be my go-to Karaoke song, once I no longer had Chuy to sing "(I've Had) The Time of My Life" with anymore. Now this computer has mathematically proven I'm horrible at it. Damn. I probably shoudn't have used it as a closer of that one-woman show I did in 2000. Sorry, Austin!

Hold On: Our coffee shop, over this past weekend. Dan and I are "working."

Dan: What's "Hold On"?
Pam: Not Wilson Phillips.
Dan: Right. But how does it go?
Pam: "Duh-nuh... a PAP-ER-BACK NO-VEL!
Dan: No. That's not it.
Pam: Is it Nickelback?
Dan: I don't know.
Pam: "Wandering through dun-nuh-nuh. Fliiieeeeee!"
Dan: God. Yeah, it's that one, I think.
Pam: "Flllieeeeee!"
Dan: Stop it.
Pam: "We were meant to live for SO MUCH MORE!"
Dan: Oh. Yeah, you're singing "Meant To Live."
Pam: What's that? That's a song? Nickelback?
Dan: What's "Hold On?"
Pam: Hold on, let me think. Hold on.
Dan: Stop saying it.
Pam: I mean it. Hold on. I have to clear my head of everything good or fun. Wait. Wait. "HOOOOLD ON! WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE LETTING GO!"
Dan: That man is staring at you.
Pam: "Hoooold on! Duh-nuh-NAH-NAH-meant to live!"
Dan: Fucking Good Charlotte.


If I Ain't Got You: Boy can we make this Grammy winner sound like the worst song ever written.

Joy to the World: Dan's hatred of both "American Pie" and "All Star" (and Andie McDowell) is what bonded us in the first place. While I don't hate this song nearly as much as he does, I must add to the list of immediate hate: one single syllable of The Offspring and I want to rip out my eyebrows.

Leave (Get Out): What's horrible is now I listen to the songs on the radio I'd normally turn off with a single note. Like this one. I always wondered why it was called "Leave" when we don't sing it a single time in the song. And then I heard it on the radio the other day, with that background shouting, "LEAVE!" What a terrible, terrible song.

Love Shack: Oh, Al. You have no idea how hard it is for me to do the Cindy Wilson part instead of Kate. You're the Cindy! YOU'RE THE CINDY!

Meant to Live: If you sing this song like you've got no nose, you can sing it perfectly. "Flllliiiiieeee! Flyyyyy!"

Take My Breath Away: This song? Is too damn long.

The Reason: My saving grace. I may not be able to hang with songs that require actual singing, but all Hoobastank wants is for you to be loud. And loud I can be. Dan and I were accidentally overheard one afternoon discussing how perfect this song is. We meant for the KR3, but the sneering hipster in line in front of us didn't catch that. I shouted, "It's a game!" but he was too busy watching his hair get dirtier to hear me.

Under Pressure: Number one on the Songs Stuck In My Head, but I only hear Dan singing it. Just the "Give Love" part. So loud. My head is so loud these days. The other songs stuck in my head are from the other game, the one that Dan will tell you about later. [Teaser!]

When I'm Gone: No idea what this is.

Why Can't I: Stephanie came over and sang it with the dirty word put back in. But it's already a pretty dirty song for something that's been the theme on every tween movie trailer. "We're already wet and we're gonna go swimming?" Also, this is best done with stee and dan singing at the same time. Brings a tear to the eye, it does.

Hey, Karaoke Revolution 4-- can I get some Pixies up in this piece? How about Radiohead? Weezer? Can I please hear an Edie Brickell song? Guns N' Roses? Something that doesn't require me to actually know how to sing? Because I keep playing this game with people who either have degrees in music, play instruments or sing professionally and I'm losing big time. Throw a bone to the William Hungs, would ya?

[I now throw it back to Djb but first this]

First, by specific request, this picture:



And now...more songs!

Hold On
After discovering that this was not the Wilson Phillips song or any musical derivation therein, we pretty much decided we had no use for it. "Hold On" by Wilson Phillips is an untouchable classic! Don't name another song "Hold On!" It would be like if you were listening to the radio one day and they were like, "Aaaaand this is the new single by Maroon 5, entitled 'Mozart's Requiem,' and it's gonna be a big hit!"

I Got You Babe
You don't need to remember the difficulty level of each song when you ROCK EACH OF THEM EQUALLY, but this one, due to its one note, sits firmly in the "Easy" section. That is, unless you're referring to whether or not it is easy to listen to it for the three millionth time. It's not. Shut up, Medley Mode.

If I Ain't Got You
I actually heard this song on the radio the other day, and was like, "The Alicia Keys cover isn't that terrible, I guess, but I really like the original Stee version, like, a whole lot better."

In the Midnight Hour
After unlocking this classic, we have yet to return to it since. We really ARE going to wait 'til the midnight..zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Joy to the World
In the world, there are three songs I hate above and beyond all others. Three songs that do not stand up to a plaintive "Oh, just leave it on!" when it comes on the radio. Three songs that will cause me to leave the bar when they come on the jukebox, but not before slapping the back of the head of he or she who is responsible for the song's playing. Three songs that make you wish for the uninventing of that tool of musical destruction known the world round as "the guitar." Those three songs are: Jim Croce's "Time in a Bottle," Harry Chapin's "Cat's in the Cradle," and, of course, Don McLean's very, very devilish "American Pie." Together, those three songs make up the worst that pop music has to offer. They are the Melanie Griffith of music. But there is a second class of horrible song just below that -- let's call it "the Andie McDowell of music" -- that causes one to lunge for the radio before the song makes it to its second note. At least, with this second class, there is a kind of entertaining challenge in how long it takes to change the station. The number one offender on this list is Smash Mouth's "All Star," and you get 100 Dan's Car Points if you can slam on the button before whats-his-singer is even done with the word "SomeBODY." Next on the list is "One Week" by Barenaked Ladies, and the challenge is making it go away before the end of the words, "Yit's been." And what the fuck is a "yit," anyway? The third offender on this list is "Joy to the World," the most jovial of all of them, and I do not understand why anyone who has ever heard another song ever would rank this as even slightly listenable. Don't be friends with a bullfrog. Don't sing this song in my house.

Killing Me Softly
Oy, this is a hard one. You think you're going to do all right and you get through the intro and everyone's all pouring wine and walking around casually and yelling "Two Times!" when the song cues them to do so. And then that little line that you have to follow to sing the right note goes all Parkinsons and you're like, "Are you KIDDING me?" and you think maybe you'll never get a platinum on every song and unlock that cheat that gives you the all-zombie crowd after all.

Leave (Get Out)
"You said / That you / Would treat me right / But it was just a waste of time." Now THAT is some serious scansion right there, Jojo.

Love Shack
We have to talk about "Love Shack." Because for all we may make fun of him and do the Fred Schneider voice as often as possible in our lives (shut up. You totally do), the man has a specialized skill that it appears difficult to replicate within the confines of this game. Because he doesn't really sing any notes. He more hangs out near them, going shopping for colorful hats with them. Notes are his fag hags, but they never commit to being anything more. Someone transcribe the words "about to set saaaail!" on staff paper for me and maybe I'll change my mind. The female part, on the other hand, is the lower harmony of the two girls, so you have to sing the song forty times before you figure out exactly what they're looking for. Another drawback: no bonus points for your awesome inflection on the words, "Tin roof...rusted!"

Meant to Live
I don't know what this is. Is this god rock?

My Immortal
Evanescence. Out of respect to Pam, I shall say no more.

New York, New York
What am I, a hundred? Shut up, "New York, New York."

Oops! I Did It Again
Dan: I love this song.
Pam: It is good.
Dan: This is currently my favorite Britney song.
Pam: Mmm.
Dan: This game should totally have "Toxic."
Pam: Karaoke Revolution 2 has "Toxic."
Dan: I really hope someone buys that for us soon. Hey, what's that through the window?
Pam: That's the sun.
Dan: Man, we really haven't been outside in a while.

Respect
Find out what sucking at this song means to me.

Shining Star
Apparently, there are numerous songs floating around out there with this title, so I'll give you a heads up. This one is, "You're a shining star / No matter who you are." Unfortunately, that is probably all you know of that song if you're, well, me. Watching this song pop up is the fastest way to get flustered into that KR3 ghetto known as "MEDLEY FAILED." Get up, Sara M. Pointing and laughing is rude.

Someday
And just when I was ready to think I didn't like the collected works of Nickelback. Hoo boy, was I wrong. Right around the words, "Now the story's played out like this / Just like a paperback novel / Let's rewrite an ending that fits / Instead of a Hollywood horror," you start to wonder if this band invented the dotted one-millionth note and you can't believe how limber you have to be to fit the words "Hollywood horror" into a line that size. It's not easy. You have to REALLY not know that much about music theory. Coming up in KR4: Dan inadvertently defends "Yellowcard."

Take My Breath Away
Like "Don't You Forget about Me," you'll be happier hearing it on Big 104's Saturday Night At The 80s than you will hearing it coming out of your own mouth.

Thank You
I actually heard this song on the radio the other day, and was like, "The Dido cover isn't that terrible, I guess, but I really like the original Stee version, like, a whole lot better."

The Reason
Where to start with "The Reason"? How about with the words, "I'm not a perfect person." Except if you're engaged in a heated Knock-Out round and you tie with Pam at 50,000 points each. The only losers are the dogs, holwing for miles around. This is also the song that inspired the idea for Pam, Stee, Adam, Rebecca, Sara, and myself to spend a night at the All-Star Lanes karaoke bar singing only songs from KR3. Hide your hearing aids when this song comes on, y'all. You won't be needing them.

Twist & Shout
Before you celebrate the fact that this game has a Beatles song on it, call me when they have "Nowhere Man." Calling "Twist & Shout" a Beatles song is like calling "The Reason" a "song."

Unchained Melody
See "Killing Me Softly," minus the two times.

Under Pressure
WHY CAN'T WE GIVE LOVE GIVE LOVE GIVE LOVE GIVE LOVE [quick catch breath] GIIIIIIIVE LOVE!

When I'm Gone
Stop growling at me, all three doors.

Why Can't I
I actually heard this song on the radio the other day, and was like, "The Liz Phair cover isn't that terrible, I guess, but I really like the original Stee version, like, a whole lot better."

You're the One That I Want
Yeah. I don't know. Call when there's something from Xanadu.

I honestly thought it'd be fun/funny to have Mariah Carey's Glitter soundtrack on my iPod. It has proven to be neither.

Super-Cool Bitch Magazine is currently holding an eBay fundraising auction. Not only can you score some sweet art, homemade products or rare back issues, you can bid on Tiny Wooden Hands autographed by yours truly.