goodbye, houston

take care of them for me.
23 October 2000

I think it's safe to say the sad days at Squishy have officially begun. The next couple of weeks will probably be both sporadic and depressing. Deal with me, okay?

I've lost my voice. It was coming from this weekend, after a dueling Axl Rose session with both Matts (don't ask), but I lost it big time last night.

That happens when I cry. When I cry for a long time. I tend to lose my voice.

I said goodbye to my family last night. And sometime during the drive home, when I realized I wasn't going to be making that Houston to Austin drive anymore, that drive that I've taken hundreds of times over the past seven years, I got very very sad.

I hate Houston. I really hate that city. I never felt comfortable there, and I really didn't like the people very much. The only thing that was nice about that place was my family lives there. Whenever I go home, I pretty much stay with my family the entire time. I don't have any old friends there. I can't go back to my high school. The last time I tried, they wouldn't let me past security because I wasn't carrying an ID.

But last night I just wanted to make the entire day in Houston last longer. I wanted to take back the times I got exhausted from the family arguments. I wanted the four of us sitting on the porch talking and joking to last for hours. I wanted to have been there for days already.

Seeing my mother wave goodbye from the front door for the last time. It was all too much, really. We all knew that I was getting ready to leave, but it wasn't until I stood in that living room last night and said I needed to go that I realized that I was losing a very comforting part of being in Austin. My parents were just a short drive away. A couple of hours. I came home for birthdays, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas... I really did it without any sort of planning. They could come up to see shows. I could come down for dinners. And now I have to book flights to see them. I just saw how expensive it's going to be to come home for Thanksgiving, and I'm not sure if I can do that and afford to come home for Christmas. Not if I also want to buy any gifts for anyone. Not if I am actually moving to Los Angeles. Not if it takes me a little while to find a job.

I hadn't really factored all of that in. The family thing. They've just always been a drive away. When I left for college, even though I was sad and homesick, I could come home every weekend if I wanted to. And for a while I did just that. Me and Club Pro drove I-10 so much that I don't even have to think about that drive. I just put on some music, sing a little while, and then I'm home. I'd drive with friends, by myself, think, write, talk on the phone-- I know the mile markers and know that it's exactly 134 miles from my front door to my parents. Now it's going to be much farther than that.

I know most people went through this a long time ago. They're used to having to pick which holidays to come home for. They're used to booking flights and phone calls and letters and care packages. I'm used to being able to just drive home. I've never been away from them on holidays. It seems like I'm almost starting this too late in life. Like, I should have had some practice in college or something. But here I am just now leaving my college town for the first time.

Eric is out selling some of our books. We're consolidating. I'm starting to get this "I don't care" attitude about my belongings. It felt good to see Becca and Michelle take some of my things. I'm not just dropping them off somewhere-- I'm leaving them with people I care about. A part of my house is now in theirs. I like that.

This weekend will be the tricky part. I think we're spending like, all the time there is at the Bad Dog. My friend Laura House (who is hysterical and if you can go, you should see her perform) is performing all weekend. There's a roast for me and Eric that we don't know about. (hee) And I think we're just having people at the club for a party on Saturday night. I have a friend's party there Wednesday night as well. It's going to be a pretty crazy-hectic couple of weeks. The movers arrive in one week.

One week.

I'm moving to Los Angeles, people. When did that happen?