i'm a whore to the audience

it's messier than it looks
02 March 1999

I realized that I had the same design on my page since I started it back in June of 1998. I figured it was time to look at something different for a while. What I don't have is access to a Mac, so if it looks bad on someone's Mac, let me know, okay?

No more Beth.

Sometimes when I open up this page and I look at all the white space I start thinking, "Wow. That's it. I have nothing to say. At all." In times like that I usually just keep typing until I come up with something. But that's because I use this journal as a writing exercise for myself. Everyone has their own motives for starting up a journal. Some do it because they have something to say. Some do it because they have nothing else they want to do. Some do it to keep up with friends. Some do it to attempt fame.

Whatever your reason, it's your reason to write.

There aren't bad reasons for writing. There's an absolute, huh? I suppose there are bad reasons, like slander and hate and all, but just writing those things isn't in itself wrong. It's when you publish those thoughts and feelings, knowing that anyone and everyone could read it--

I suppose there's a certain responsibility to what I do here. I can talk bad about films and books because those aren't living things.. but I wouldn't talk bad about my family, I wouldn't talk bad about my readers, I wouldn't talk nasty about the people that I care about. I try not to single people out.

What am I babbling about here?

Eric has been asking me why I don't quit the troupe lately. He says that it's been giving me more grief than good. To hear me complain I guess it does seem like it makes me unhappy lately. That's more from a director point of view though. I'm unsatisfied with the way our show is going-- I'm worried that I'm failing the people in the troupe-- I'm worried that I'm going to make a bad decision and it's ultimate result would be that I lose a good number of friends.

But I love performing. When all of these responsibilities are taken away, I really enjoy doing what I do onstage. I like making people laugh. It doesn't feel like work.

So when Eric asks why I don't quit the troupe, it's because two nights a week for about four hours total I really do have a great time and I enjoy being with those people and I love the energy and the work. I love the work. But when I'm working on the show that comes up in a month, I have no fun at all. I don't have any confidence right now. I feel like I don't have much more to offer. Everything I try fails. My sketches aren't working, I can't get the troupe motivated, I can't get half of them to show up... I'm running out of ideas.

I just see a blank page.

But this show will be over in a month, and I'll go back to the work I enjoy. I can't quit, no matter how much I get frustrated, because I don't want it to beat me. I don't want my own insecurities to stop me from doing what I really love. But one day I may need a different troupe. It may be that the dynamic of this group changes so much that I don't feel like I have an outlet... it may be that I have to move to a different city... but something will change, and my life will change, and I'll have to change what it is I do. Will I find another comedy troupe? I hope so. Will I still be writing here? I hope so.

But I don't know what is going to happen. It may be that one day this has no joy for me at all, and all I really want to do is write movie reviews and post them on my page. I may just want to make songs and haiku and post them on this page. But I'll keep writing. I'll keep writing because that's what I've always done. Since I was a little girl typing in my closet, pretending I was the next Stephen King. I write because I love an audience. I really do. I love all kinds of audiences. I love the ones that clap. I love the ones that laugh. I really love the ones that laugh so hard they start clapping. I love the ones that send you letters telling you that you really made them feel. I love the ones that send you letters telling you that they shot Coke through their noses at their monitors because you made them laugh.

And because I'm such a slave to the audience, I can't stop doing what I do. I can't stop writing. I can't stop performing. I can't stop trying new things.

But Beth didn't stop her page because she wants attention. She says she stopped her page to put her energy into other things. We have to keep changing or we get stale. We have to find what keeps us going. And for that, I respect Beth. She didn't just write dribble every day because she felt she'd let someone down. She found where she needed to go next. I'll miss her entries, and I'll miss hearing about the cats and Jeremy and her new house... but whatever she does next will be with that same passion that was so great about DJR or IYSHSH.

I don't know what to do about that sketch show. So, tomorrow, I'm going to Aspen. Maybe Jerry Seinfeld can tell me what to do.