something smells.

oh, right. the grammy nominations
03 January 2001

Category 8

Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals

For a collaborative performance by artists who do not normally perform together. Singles or Tracks only.

1. Thank God I Found You
Mariah Carey Featuring Joe & 98ƒ
Track from: Rainbow
[Columbia Records]

2. The Difficult Kind
Sheryl Crow & Sarah McLachlan
Track from: Live From Central Park
[A&M/Interscope Records]

3. All The Way
Celine Dion (& Frank Sinatra)
Track from: All The Way...A Decade Of Song
[Epic/550 Music]

4. Turn Your Lights Down Low
Lauryn Hill (& Bob Marley)
Track from: The Best Man - Music From The Motion Picture (Various)
[Sony Music Soundtrax]

5. Is You Is, Or Is You Ain't (My Baby)
B.B. King & Dr. John
Track from: Let The Good Times Roll
[MCA Records]

Thank God I didn't hear any of these songs this year.

And for Pete's sake, isn't Celine gone yet? She keeps promising and then releasing. Promising and then torturing.

I'll just give it to Lauryn Hill here because I love her, but my hatred of the Bob Marley tells me that I probably don't want to do this. But really, she's the least of the evils, here.

Category 9

Best Pop Instrumental Performance

For instrumental recordings, with or without vocal coloring, by an Orchestra, Group or Soloist.

Singles or Tracks only.

1. Overture (Selmasongs)
Björk; Vincent Mendoza, conductor
Track from: Selmasongs
[Elektra Entertainment Group]

2. Rebel Heart
The Corrs
Track from: In Blue
[143/Lava/Atlantic Records]

3. Zona Mona
BÈla Fleck & The Flecktones
Track from: Outbound
[Columbia Records]

4. Caravan
The Brian Setzer Orchestra
Track from: Vavoom!
[Interscope Records]

5. Camaleao
Grover Washington, Jr.
Track from: A Love Affair - The Music Of Ivan Lins (Various Artists)
[Telarc Records]

What a strange category. Björk's "Overture" here is absolutely beautiful, so that's the one I'm going with. But I just want to point out Brian Setzer's ability to get nominated for something each and every year.

Category 10

Best Dance Recording

For solo artists, duos or groups, vocal or instrumental. Singles or tracks only.

1. Who Let The Dogs Out
Baha Men
Track from: Who Let The Dogs Out
[S-Curve Records]

2. Blue (Da Ba Dee)
Eiffel 65
Track from: Europop
[Republic/Universal Records]

3. Be With You
Enrique Iglesias
Track from: Enrique
[Interscope Records]

4. Let's Get Loud
Jennifer Lopez
Track from: On The 6
[Work]

5. Natural Blues
Moby
Track from: Play
[V2 Records]

Dammit! I had just gotten that "Blue" song out of my head for the first time in nine months, too.

I guess I'm going with Moby on this one, but is that the best we can do in dance songs this year? Because that's really sad. I'm sure there were more. There have to be. Can't Madonna's "Music" get nominated here? I mean, "Who Let the Dogs Out?" Does anyone dance to that? I suppose there's that shaky motion that your body gets as you have to stand up and walk over to the radio and change the dial, but it's hardly considered dancing, is it?

Dear Enrique,

Are you done yet? Just wondering.

Love,

The World.

Category 11

Best Pop Instrumental Album

For solo artists, duos or groups.

1. Audio
Blue Man Group
[Virgin Records America]

2. Faith - A Holiday Album
Kenny G
[Arista Records]

3. Symphony No. 1
Joe Jackson
[Sony Classical]

4. Pieces In A Modern Style
William Ørbit
[Maverick Records]

5. Hymns - In The Garden
Kirk Whalum
[Top Drawer Records]

Here it is. This is the soundtrack to the small cube I will live in for all eternity when I'm sent to hell. Hope you feel sorry for me now. This is it.

I'll pull all of my toenails out and cry and eat my eyelashes and rock back and forth and develop a strange fascination with the Blue Man Group just to feel like I'm still arty and interesting. I'll have a crush on "The blue one," and plan our children together.

I'll march down the imaginary aisle to Kenny G and whatever "symphony" Joe Jackson has claimed to come up with. I'll take the Ø in William Ørbit's name. I'll do whatever it is I have to do to repent for all of the terrible, horrible things I've said in my lifetime.

I'll have to write love notes to Gary Sinise and tell him that I don't really think that he eats baby hands for dinner.

I'll have to tell Tea Leoni that I hear she's actually a very nice person and that I'm sure Weldon thinks she's funnier than I am.

I'll be forced to date Michael Jackson because I wished so hard for him when I was eight, and I'll have to spend the rest of my eternal life shouting in my white trash voice, "Y'all don't know! He's special! We have a special love that y'all don't know! You shut up! Y'all shut up! Y'all don't know!"

Category 12

Best Pop Vocal Album

For solo artists, duos or groups.

1. Inside Job
Don Henley
[Warner Bros. Records]

2. Music
Madonna
[Maverick/Warner Bros. Records]

3. No Strings Attached
*NSync
[Jive Records]

4. Oops!...I Did It Again
Britney Spears
[Jive Records]

5. Two Against Nature
Steely Dan
[Giant Records]

Good golly. Now, there's a list of nominations, people.

I imagine right now there's a phone conversation going on where Madonna is calmly trying to explain to Britney that Don Henly and Steely Dan are not parts of an obscure boy band and that she doesn't have to worry about breaking up with Justin to date any of them.

By the way, aside from the actual song "Music," that Madonna album is a giant piece of technopoo. "Music" is the only song that sounds like Madonna is having any fun at all. The rest of the album is like she wasn't even there.

For her sake, I hope she wasn't.

Oh, hell. Give this one to Henley. I want to see him cry and shake and be ever-so-humble about his "Inside Job."

Category 13

Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album

For solo artists, duos or groups.

1. As Time Goes By
Bryan Ferry
[Virgin Records America]

2. It's Like This
Rickie Lee Jones
[Artemis Records]

3. Songs From The Last Century
George Michael
[Virgin Records America]

4. Both Sides Now
Joni Mitchell
[Reprise Records]

5. Timeless - Live In Concert
Barbra Streisand
[Columbia Records]

What has happened, here, people? I can't take this.

Category 14

Best Female Rock Vocal Performance

For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.

1. Paper Bag
Fiona Apple
Track from: When The Pawn
[Clean Slate/Epic Records]

2. There Goes The Neighborhood
Sheryl Crow
Track from: Live From Central Park
[A&M/Interscope Records]

3. Enough Of Me
Melissa Etheridge
Track from: Breakdown
[Island/Def Jam Music Group]

4. So Pure
Alanis Morissette
Track from: Woodstock, 99 (Various Artists)
[Hybrid/Epic Records]

5. Glitter In Their Eyes
Patti Smith
Track from: Gung Ho
[Arista Records]

Well, at least Melissa Etheridge has figured out what the world really thinks about her. That's good.

I had no idea Alanis had a song this year. I'd like to thank the radio stations for keeping this one on the down low. This one clearly goes to Fiona, because me and seven other people love When the Pawn, and I don't care.