something smells.

oh, right. the grammy nominations
03 January 2001

Aw, yeah, people. It's time for the Grammy nominations.

Category 1

Record Of The Year

Award to the Artist and to the Producer(s), Recording Engineer(s) and/or Mixer(s) if other than the artist. This category is for a commercially released single, or track from a current year's album.

1. Say My Name
Destiny's Child
Rodney Jerkins, producer; LaShawn Daniels, Brad Gildem & Jean Marie Hurout, engineers/mixers
Track from: The Writing's On The Wall
[Columbia Records]

2. I Try
Macy Gray
Andrew Slater, producer; Dave Way, engineer/mixer
Track from: On How Life Is
[Clean Slate/Epic Records]

3. Music
Madonna
Mirwais Ahmadzai & Madonna, producers
Track from: Music
[Maverick/Warner Bros. Records]

4. Bye Bye Bye
*NSync
Jake & Kristian Lundin, producers; Mike Tucker, engineer/mixer
Track from: No Strings Attached
[Jive Records]

5. Beautiful Day
U2
Brian Eno & Daniel Lanois, producers; Steve Lillywhite & Richard Rainey, engineers/mixers
Track from: All That You Can't Leave Behind
[Interscope Records]

Ooh, these are actually kind of good. This is a surprise. Take out "I Try," as I'm just done with that song. So done with it. The other four are good songs. Okay, I'm really just saying "Beautiful Day" is good because I like U2 and I'm holding on to that dream.

"Music" is so much fun to dance to. So is "Say My Name." Oh, and "Bye, Bye, Bye." Oh, hell. I'm giving it to "Bye, Bye, Bye." This song never got old. And made me like a boy band. That's much more impressive than Madonna or Destiny's Child.

Wait. Maybe Destiny's Child.

Argh.

"Bye, Bye, Bye." There.

Category 2

Album Of The Year

Award to the Artist(s), and to the Album Producer(s), Recording Engineer(s) and/or Mixer(s) if other than the artist.

1. Midnite Vultures
Beck
Beck Hansen & Dust Brothers, producers
[DGC/Interscope Records]

2. The Marshall Mathers LP
Eminem
Jeff Bass, Mark Bass, Dr. Dre, Eminem & The 45 King, producers; Rich Behrens, Mike Butler, Chris Conway, Rob Ebeling, Michelle Forbes, Richard Segal Huredia, Steve King, Aaron Lepley, James McCrone, Akane Nakamura & Lance Pierre, engineers/mixers
[Aftermath Entertainment/Interscope Records]

3. Kid A
Radiohead
Radiohead, producer; Nigel Godrich, engineer/mixer
[Capitol Records]

4. You're The One
Paul Simon
Paul Simon, producer; Andy Smith, engineer/mixer
[Warner Bros. Records]

5. Two Against Nature
Steely Dan
Walter Becker & Donald Fagen, producers; Phil Burnett, Roger Nichols, Dave Russell & Elliot Scheiner, engineers/mixers
[Giant Records]

Ah, now that's what the Grammys are supposed to look like.

Paul Simon. Steely Dan. Steely Dan!

To quote stee, "Paul Simon and Steely Dan are the Two Against Nature."

And Beck? Album of the year? Yes, yes, I know. Calm down, you Beck fans. I swear, sometimes they're worse than the Tori fans.

It's silly to even discuss, since Kid A is the clear winner, here. But I just wonder how they came up with these other albums to pad around Radiohead.

"But we know who's going to win."

"So, put in Steely Dan for a nomination."

"Oh, man. That's funny."

"I know."

"Can we do that?"

"Who's going to stop us?"

"Brilliant."

Category 3

Song Of The Year

A Songwriter(s) Award. A song is eligible if it was first released or if it first achieved prominence during the Eligibility Year. (Artist names appear in parentheses.) Singles or Tracks only.

1. Beautiful Day
U2, songwriters (U2)
Track from: All That You Can't Leave Behind
[Interscope Records; Publisher: Polygram Int'l Music Pub. B.V.]

2. Breathe
Stephanie Bentley & Holly Lamar, songwriters (Faith Hill)
Track from: Breathe
[Warner Bros. Records; Publishers: Cal IV Songs, Universal Songs Of Polygram Int'l Inc., Hopechest Music]

3. I Hope You Dance
Mark D. Sanders & Tia Sellers, songwriters (Lee Ann Womack)
Track from: I Hope You Dance
[Universal Records; Publishers: MCA Music Pub., Soda Creek Songs, Choice Is Tragic Music, Ensign Music Corp.]

4. I Try
Macy Gray, Jinsoo Lim, Jeremy Ruzumna & David Wilder, songwriters (Macy Gray)
Track from: On How Life Is
[Clean Slate/Epic Records; Publishers: Children Of The Forest On Behalf Of Itself & Mel-Boopie Music, April Music Inc., Jinsoo Lim Music, Roastitoasti]

5. Say My Name
LaShawn Daniels, Fred Jerkins III, Rodney Jerkins, BeyoncÈ Knowles, LeToya Luckett, LaTavia Roberson & Kelendria Rowland, songwriters (Destiny's Child)
Track from: The Writing's On The Wall
[Columbia Records; Publishers: EMI Blackwood Music Inc./Rodney Jerkins Prod., Ensign Music Corp./Fred Jerkins Pub., BeyoncÈ Pub., LeToya Music Pub., Kelendria Music Pub., LaTavia Music Pub.]

I hope I never hear whatever song is that "I Hope You Dance."

So, here we're supposed to look at the lyrics, I assume. "I Try" went from a nice song I'd hear once in a while to a song that makes my skin crawl. That and the girl is clearly on so much crack she doesn't even know her own name anymore.

But, come on, people. Again, there's no contest. "Call me your boo?" That's sheer poetry.

Even though I had to explain what this song means to Eric about seventeen times, it's all good. And now he doesn't like Destiny's Child because it makes him feel like a bad person. That's powerful girl-power lyrics. If a song makes you feel like you should buy your girl things and tell her she's wonderful? Thank you, Beyonce. And all the other girls kicked out that are listed above.

Category 4

Best New Artist

For a new artist who releases, during the Eligibility Year, the first recording which establishes the public identity of that artist.

1. Shelby Lynne
2. Brad Paisley
3. Papa Roach
4. Jill Scott
5. Sisqo

Ah, the list of people we won't ever have to hear from again. So refreshing.

Come on, Papa Roach. Make me proud. I'd rather listen to "The Thong Song" seventeen times in a row than have to hear one more repeat of "CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES! THIS IS MY LAST RESORT!"

And... Brad Paisley? What kind of name is that? Should I know this boy? His name is like, "Dude. You like Brad Paisley? You know he's gay, right? I mean, as long as you know that and you can admit that you've got no chance with him at all, that's okay, then, right? I mean... Brad Paisley? Can't you just have a crush on Peter Madras?"

Category 5

Best Female Pop Vocal Performance

For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.

1. What A Girl Wants
Christina Aguilera
Track from: Christina Aguilera
[RCA Label Group]

2. I Try
Macy Gray
Track from: On How Life Is
[Clean Slate/Epic Records]

3. Music
Madonna
Track from: Music
[Maverick/Warner Bros. Records]

4. Save Me
Aimee Mann
Track from: Magnolia - Music From The Motion Picture
[Reprise Records]

5. Both Sides Now
Joni Mitchell
Track from: Both Sides Now
[Reprise Records]

6. Oops!...I Did It Again
Britney Spears
Track from: Oops!...I Did It Again
[Jive Records]

There must be some mistake here. Six nominations. Somehow the ballot got screwed up with something from 1972, because there's not other reason that JONI MITCHELL would be nominated for a GRAMMY in the year 2000.

Joni Mitchell? Did I miss something? Okay, first of all, the sound of Joni Mitchell's voice makes the skin on my forehead tighten and clench. My hairline recedes. My gums hurt. And that song... I remember that song. Why is it just now getting nominated? Did she do a remix of her own song? WHY? WHY with the folking and the strumming?

Man. I'm giving this one to Britney. It's time she won something.

Yeah, I know, it should go to Aimee Mann. Yes, I know she's underrepresented. But you'll like her more if she doesn't win anything and most people don't know how cool she is. Trust me. I'm listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers Mother's Milk right now, and I've never forgotten that moment my heart broke when I heard the cheerleaders at my high school ripping "Under the Bridge" to shreds.

Give it to Britney. You'll thank me later.

Category 6

Best Male Pop Vocal Performance

For a solo vocal performance. Singles or Tracks only.

1. You Sang To Me
Marc Anthony
Track from: Marc Anthony
[Columbia Records]

2. Taking You Home
Don Henley
Track from: Inside Job
[Warner Bros. Records]

3. She Bangs
Ricky Martin
[Columbia Records]

4. 6, 8, 12
Brian McKnight
Track from: Back At One
[Motown Records]

5. She Walks This Earth (Soberana Rosa)
Sting
Track from: A Love Affair - The Music Of Ivan Lins (Various Artists)
[Telarc Records]

Somewhere there's a special place for the artists that can get nominated year after damn year even if they didn't have a song released that year. Even if they're dead. Even if they wrote a song that no one ever heard.

If any of you bought a Don Henley album this year and can actually sing "Taking You Home" to me, I want you to do me a favor. I want you to stop reading my website. His album is called Inside Job, which is the only way I can see him getting a Grammy nomination, here, anyway.

And what is up with that Sting song? I had to hear that damn "Desert Rose" song like, seven thousand times. Why not nominate that one? I put up with a lot for that song. Is that the same song? Maybe it is. I don't know. But, man.

That Brian McKnight song looks like something from "Sesame Street," right down to the album title.

And I raise my bottle of lemonade that this might be the last time we hear from Marc Anthony.

Go ahead with your bad self, Ricky. I'll show you banging, boy. Just come on over. You know you've been waiting too long for some action from the pamie section.

(I am aware that my Ricky fixation is about as viable as having a crush on Brad Paisley, but I'd appreciate it if you'd just let me live in my fantasy world every once in a while.)

Category 7

Best Pop Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocal

For established duos or groups. Singles or Tracks only.

1. Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely
Backstreet Boys
Track from: Millenium
[Jive Records]

2. Pinch Me
Barenaked Ladies
Track from: Maroon
[Reprise Records]

3. Breathless
The Corrs
Track from: In Blue
[143/Lava/Atlantic Records]

4. Bye Bye Bye
*NSync
Track from: No Strings Attached
[Jive Records]

5. Cousin Dupree
Steely Dan
Track from: Two Against Nature
[Giant Records]

Steely God Damn Dan. What is up? Cousin Dupree? I mumbled something out loud about Steely Dan and the first thing Ray said? "Aw, that's good. Yeah. Steely Dan." And then he did some sort of clapping. I then made him take Cal off his lap.

When did Steely Dan become Pop? Is it Pop? I was all, "Steely Dan is still alive?" which sent stee into giggles, but whatever. Band or man, I think the Grammys have forgotten what year it is or something has gone heinously wrong on the ballot that meshed this year with a bunch of other years.

Anyway, that Backstreet Boys song is crap. I know you people have a thing for The Corrs, but I haven't heard one song yet. This means I must default to the *NSYNC because "Bye, Bye, Bye" rules you.

I don't want to talk about the Barenaked Ladies. I refuse to buy into America's love affair with them. I'll see you post break-up on that one.